Sick Day

As some of you may know, I was terribly sick during the past few days. By terrible I mean, severe headache, burning body, sudden unstoppable shivering, insomnia, cough and flu.

At times, there will be this tormenting torturous moment where I will shiver frantically and yet I swear I could set myself on fire if I continue to wrap myself completely with blankets. So I was cold and covering myself in blanket is not only not a viable option, but in some ways making me feel worse, great, total FML. What's more! My situation got worse during the weekends, an DOCTORS DO NOT FREAKING WORK on weekends. Well at least not the NHS GP. If you don't know what's NHS all you have to know that it's free consultation for us students, I know I'm cheap like that, but I think consultation here would cost you a bomb here lor.

So anyway, I survived that 2 days which seems like forever, with some medications that works periodically, and also my friends who were really really nice to help me out. Laurence if you're ever reading this, hahaha, I'm sorry for not finishing your congee and throwing it away instead XD well I really wanted to finish it you see, but apparently the sickness has deterred me from thinking and acting wisely, hence the imprudent action of mine :D

I have never been this sick before, and definitely did not suffer as much as well. It constantly reminded me of the love and care I used to take granted for. Whenever I was sick, there will be someone buying/cooking delicious congee for me, someone forcing, or rather reminding me to take my medicines because I'm such an anal when it comes to taking meds. At that point of time, the only place I want to be is home, to be taken care of like a carefree baby, or at least to have someone shed some love to ease the pain I'm going through.

But deep down I know this is not possible, it's the part and parcel of the challenge I have to fight here. Learning to be independent, learning to take care of myself, or even just learning to take medicine properly. I am not saying I enjoy this process, heck no of course, but it's just the price I have to pay to be stronger and tougher. Because at the end of the day, whenever my parents need me, I will be there to feed them the congee and shower them with the care and love they long for.

Rationality

Yesterday, I made a decision to buy a camera from Ebay. Well, I know you will probably think, so what? Right, so what? We make our buying and selling decision every single day anyway.

But being an economics undergraduate, we were often associated or rather, being taught to act rationally. As an economist, all assumptions are based on the rational of mankind, a decision is made based on the opportunity cost or the next best alternative forgone, an investment project is being undertaken based on the valuation of marginal benefit versus the marginal cost. In other words, there is always a mathematical function which assumes the closest numerical figure to represents the best interest of an evaluation, that ultimately lead to the decision of a particular incidence.

But more often than not, in reality, the buying and selling decision is not usually (if not most of the time) based on rationale. How many times have you bought something out of an impromptu decision after being attracted to a piece of advertorial, and eventually finds out that you didn't need it to begin with. Can you explain this mathematically? If yes, what figure would you put for being appealed by this advertisement on a general basis? Note that each consumer have totally different preferences and it would practically be impossible to collect data from every single consumer available. At the end of the day, we would have to agree that buying decision correlates with advertising effects, and the particular consumer is not rational on his/her buying decision. The point is, we do not make our decision at that point of time based on the marginal utility of owning the product, but was rather affected by our spontaneous decision out of the satisfaction of owning the product, where in many cases, the satisfaction and practical use of the product decreases exponentially after purchasing it, which justifies the explanation of being irrational. A sad but vividly true example.

I have to admit, the purchasing of my camera was somewhat similar to the irrationality I have mentioned above. I have been scouting and searching for a camera online since I have decided that I have a dire need to possess my own camera. But due to a tight and limited budget, I have to succumb to the disappointment of not buying one because I may put myself into a financial jeopardy if I were to buy a camera (a great example of me being rational alright). Anyway, after saving and scrimping for a bit, I think I can now afford one, or at least even if I can't, I'll just live on with breads and water for the rest of the month. Joking, don't worry I'll make sure I have enough money to survive and feed myself.

So after researching online for a couple of days, I narrowed down my searches into just a few models, and finally laid my eyes on this particular camera - Fujifilm finepix S2500HD. Yes, I need to get this. My initial plan was to wait until the end of this week, to visit shops personally and try out different cameras in order to decide if the model I chose initially was my perfect fit because for one, I do not want to regret buying something that I don't know if I will like, two, there's always something dubious about online purchase even though it looks a lot cheaper and more attractive. Anyway, I was almost certain that I would do that, because I personally think that was the conventional and rational (for me at least) way when you are deciding to buy a camera, and who knows, I might even get a better offer and close the deal on the spot. Nonetheless, in the end I did not.

I was too desperate for my camera to arrive before the end of next week, for certain reasons. I know that the longer I delay, the longer I have to wait and chances of me getting the camera before the end of week would diminish entirely, simply because I am not a very decisive consumer. If I was offered more choices and product, I would have to re-think about this entire camera buying issue, which would ultimately cause me to delay my buying decision. After contemplating for a bit, I finally convinced myself to hit the "Buy now!" button and proceeded with the payment. So the irrational triumphed the rational side in me, declaring victory, the decision was made based on desperation, and uncertainty.

Will I be certain that I will get my goods in time? No. Will I be certain that I will like the camera I bought? I don't know. Will I be positive that will this camera be as good as the reviews posted online? And most importantly, will the £170 I spent be justifiable? Nah. I have no answers for all these, but all I know is, as long as I have a relatively good camera to take my own pictures, I'll be a happy man at the end of the day.

The Past

While I was in the midst of reading my economics lecture notes, I saw a skype IM from an old friend who gave me the perfect reason for me to procrastinate, so I have decided to take a short break (more like me trying to slack whenever I possibly could).

Anyway, the conversation made me stir up some memories in the past. My style of writing in particular. I remember when I first started this blog, I became an avid blogger who blogs about almost every shits of my life, in the most childish possible way ever. When reading some of my old posts, I was like WTF LUL, as much as it was hilarious, it also shows how young and stupid I was, which caught me wondering, how did I even came out such crap? But the truth is, I did, so like the old and wise always says, let the past be the past.

The thing is, if I have never jot down the bits and pieces of my past for me to reflect on, will I remember who I used to be? I mean of course your brain is awesome but most of the times, you won't be able to remember those tiny bits your life that has somehow, or somewhat made an impact in your life. Like, a friend may have slapped you with a fish and then you just remember that he still owes you a slap! Or, your first job was some shitty insurance telemarketing job and made you say no to becoming an insurance agent for life.

The past is what defines us, you learn the history of your character to be make a better one in the future. Or worse to some people, but either way, it defines you!

Maybe I was silly once, but I have learn to grow smart now.

Maybe I have made a wrong decision earlier, but I have come to make a new one, which could possibly be a wrong one, but you will never know until the moment you knew it's wrong, after all what's wrong without right?

Maybe when I look at my past now, I may have regretted on the many things that I have wrote or done earlier, but 20 years from now, I may be smiling to myself and say; Hei, I did that when I was young! Lol.

Or it could be;

Maybe I should have just said do this, and why didn't I do it in the first place?

The list goes on to infinity.

It's interesting how you should read at all the stuffs you once wrote eons ago, and react upon it after that. For all you may know, it might be a surprise for you!

And I should be back to my econ notes now, yup, yes I should. Okay.

Bumpy ride

I skyped with my family today, and if I remember correctly, this is the 6th time I've skyped with them ever since I got here in London. Maybe they are starting to forget my existence, albeit depressing, but I still love them. Hah, the former was a joke of course except for the I love them part which is of the utmost truth :D It's just that they aren't the "skyp-ish" type of people I guess?

Anyway, when I was video-calling happily with my mom and sis a while ago, I told them about my intention to travel during winter, to Belgium. My dad overheard it and he replied harshly :"So you think you have lots of money to travel now?? Save some money!!" I said :"No, but I just want to go around while I still can, I mean that's the reason why I wanted to come here in the first place."

"You have 3 years there! Why the hurry? Save up some money first okay!", he answered.

"But I'm not using your money, it's not like I'm asking money from you." It was a spontaneous reply as a result of frustration, and that I believe, has turned the situation from bad to worse.

"YAYAYAYA, your OWN money, look WHO RAISED YOU for all these years." He walked away, pissed, leaving the entire conversation heated up and unpleasant. My mom, on the other hand, seems annoyed by my dad's comment, and told me that I can travel, as long as I know my budget and keep it within my limit.

Let's just say that the relationship between my mom and dad hasn't been that well in the past few years, definitely not the ideal wife-husband relationship you encounter in romance novels. It all boils down to a certain common issue - money. Yes. The root of all the problems that has caused us so much dismay and disgruntlement, all the arguments and hardship. I don't deny part of the main reasons why I wanted a scholarship so badly was because of this problem, for one, my parents cannot afford my tertiary education due to our financial circumstances, and two, I don't wanna burden them either.

So I thought they'll be in a better position judging that they now have 1 less child (or grown up, if you want to add) to feed. But no, it seems like things were not better off, mom is still working long hours just to pay the never ending bills and debts at this age, and dad, is....... well, I'll just phrase it as not generating much income to the family. They are still struggling for a better living, but the question lies herein, when is "better" going to come? My mom's knee problem will eventually deteriorate if she continues to work like this, and I really hate to see her suffer at this age, especially when she is growing old. As for my dad, sometimes I just wish that he could do something, just something to ease the situation a little bit. Please note that I do not hold any grudge against my dad, it's just that sometimes I hope there's something he can do, even though I know he is trying hard everyday. Signs of aging and stress were portrayed by his loss in body weights and facial expressions, and he became a moody person because of this as well.

Recurring back to the conversation I had earlier, I started to reflect upon the words that my dad uttered earlier. I somewhat sensed his repetitive intention of asking me to save up so that I will be able to help to ease the burden of my family as a responsibility of a son, and not to spend lavishly on unnecessary expenditures, as such; traveling. But like I said earlier, it has been my dream to explore the world while I could and when I could. Of course, I know I could do all of these after I jump started my career and yada yada, but I'm a very materialistic and idealistic individual. When I know I can do this now, I want to do it, because I don't know what will happen in the future, hence I don't wanna give up the opportunity to materialize it now, and in this case is to make the best out of my university life to travel around the world. In fact, I have an aim to explore Europe as much as I could through out my 3 years here!

But. Baffled between the responsibility of being a son and the choice of realizing my traveling dream, it has come to my senses that I am nothing but a selfish bloke. It's a tough decision to make, I really want to travel, but I want to help as well. Question is, how much can I help financially? Maybe the mature reply would be, I should be a responsible son and help them through, rather than enjoying myself at the expense of their suffering. But, it's just hard for me as well. I have worked this hard to earn this opportunity...................

Up to this point, I think there has been adequate bombardment of thoughts from the morally me and the selfish me in my very own awesome brain, so I shall cease to elaborate any further.

I have never expected my life journey to be a smooth sailing one, in fact until now, I would still like to think that it's never smooth sailing for me. I thought when I got a scholarship, my life would be easy. It seems like there will always be something that is bothering you and prompting you with questions and decisions, and it's always hard for me to decide.

But please, just don't judge me after reading this post.

A pause

I realized I haven't been writing at all for a long time, or rather, the truth - I have submitted myself into a state where I don't have to think of what to write anymore. In other words, I haven't been thinking properly enough to even produce something readable, and now after an approximate of 9 months break that I had (ignoring the fact that I actually commenced my degree in Melbourne U. for 3 weeks and the remaining one week used to travel), I regret to say that my brain has almost develop into a state of comma and is no longer as intellectually functional as it used to be anymore.

How did I realize that?

Proofs;-

- My mental calculation has degraded onto a level that I would be ashamed to tell anyone that I am currently studying in a University, heck, let alone pursuing economics! Try to picture this, my mind actually processed the division of 50 by 2 as 100 the second I was prompted a question like this.

It's not that funny actually. I'm starting to worry that I might have some brain cell degeneration disease that is actually consuming my already inadequate intelligence. Dis iz no gud.

- Speech obstruction. I have problem conversing a proper and decently well-structured sentence without being stuck for words at times. Now that I am already in a country where the Inggrish people (and many other non-Inggrish too) lives, the need to at least communicate in competent English is therefore fundamental. However, my verbal communication skills has deteriorated into a sub-par standard where I can hardly construct a properly well-versed speech, I guess the days of speaking broken inggrish and chinese in college freely have to come to a complete halt.

Again, I believe it has something to do with the brain not being able to process my thoughts and speech coherently. Shit I am gonna die soon omfgee.

- Lectures. I cannot, for the life of me understand how can everyone (according to lecturers and seniors) say that first year is the easiest year. Walao, attending Mathematics for economist lectures is already taking a toll on me, and most of the times, I can barely understand what Pemberton (my lecturer) is trying to teach. Is it just me or am I just getting more and more intellectually deprived. I have to do a lot of self-study on my own to actually understand what were being taught in lectures. Where is all my intelligence and comprehensive ability?

Please revive yourself, if you're already dead within the brain ( <- supposedly a monologue to me very own braaaiin) Typing this alone kinda proved that there could possibly be something that has been meddling with my intelligence. As much as I sound like I am getting more and more pathetic, I believe it's time for me to get smart, no, wait, not just smart, I have to be a lot SMARTER! People here are just so crappily brilliant where they actually tell me this after lectures, oh it's quite easy/ok/I can understand - ya, thank you for giving me a virtual slap on my face.

See!

I told you!

It's my brain!!

Maybe I should consult a neurologist. Or maybe I should stop typing all this bull shit and practice my brain harder, bombard them with more readings, maths and IQ questions.

And I actually spent half an hour typing this where I should be doing my French work instead. Wtf, how unproductive. Bye.

London Thus Far

Helloe peeps, reporting from London, United Kingdom. Yes, although it's been the 5th day since my arrival here, and so far I can safely say I thoroughly enjoyed my stay here.

Although the 17 hours journey here was quite an unbearable experience (since I'm not used to taking long distant flight, and will never enjoy it), but coming here was worth it! There's so many things I want to say but I just don't know where to start. Let me see let me see, I think I'll start with my accommodation, my hall of residence.

I'm staying in Connaught Hall (the same sound so homely right, haha), one of the intercollegiate halls in University of London. In case you're wondering whats intercollegiate halls are, they are actually halls of residence administered by UOL (which comprises of LSE, UCL, Imperial College London and Kings College London, and more...), which means they will generally be students coming from all these colleges mentioned. It was a bit difficult to locate my hall initially as it was covered in scaffolding and constructions were going on, god forbid like how would I know my hall would be undergoing refurbishment right. So, me and my aunt's friend, oh he's Uncle Tan fyi, were literally touring around the square until we finally located the right place. It was really kind of him to offer a hand to lead me from the airport to my hall or else i'll be dragging my 40kg worth of weight strolling around tavistock square like some half dead zombie. Really nice man.

Anyway, long story short. My room, yes. All my hall mates were telling me like how big is my room compared to theirs and how tall the ceiling is, not trying to brag whatsoever, but I think I'm really lucky to have such a nice room. The pantry is just right opposite my room and the gents is just right next to it, it's superbly convenient! And the best part is... yes, it's only 5 freaking minutes away to my Uni, 2 minutes if you run. Haha, which sums up to the awesomeness. As far as my hall is concern, it's a pretty decent and cozy place to live in; there's a couple of common rooms, a bar for you to chill in, a garden and some other facilities, and the people here are really friendly. I've been meeting new people constantly for each and every day, and they all come from different nationalities, seriously, it's really quite an experience!

Oh yes, speaking of jet lags, which I'm terribly annoyed by :( I'm still waking up at quite an early hour during the morning, but it's getting better i guess. At least I woke up at 6.30 this morning, for the past few days I've either been waking up at 4 or 5am, which is kinda sad actually.

Ok, I'm getting quite sleepy, actually more like I'm lazy to continue blogging, for now at least. So I think I shall continue tomorrow, or some other day with more stuffs then. =) if there's still anyone reading lul.

Boulders.

I see a stone on the road.
Do I not walk across it?

I see a hole in front of me.
Do I not jump over it?

I see a trap over the edge,
Do I not avoid it?

But when I saw a cliff in front of me,
I stood there, defeated momentarily.